Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone signed my nipple.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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