you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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