I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
