I just saw a hot homeless man
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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