my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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