remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
