We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
