my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
