There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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