i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
