I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
