I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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