fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dicks are not precious.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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