Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
