Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
