I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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