Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
