My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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