one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hippo gnu deer
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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