Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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