Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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