I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
