I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If its not for food we ain't going out.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
