I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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