God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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