my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I have post one night stand depression
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