Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
