So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
