I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
