to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
