it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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