i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
