i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
