I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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