Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
