I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
