he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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