thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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