i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
