Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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