Define "chronic" masturbator.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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