no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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