I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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