can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
