Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
