i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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