I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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