she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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