Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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