Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize