Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
