"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
