No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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