Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
