as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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