A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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